Being Angry with Myself

Lately, I have felt that something in my heart was off for a while. Maybe you all have experienced this before. There is an unease and irritation that starts to fill your thoughts. At first, it is almost unnoticed by your mind and heart. You go about your day and feel off, but you’re not exactly sure why.  All of a sudden, everything is annoying. The sun is annoying, the clouds are bad and the things and people you used to smile at charmingly have become a real source of agitation. 

When I find myself here, it is easy to brush off these feelings as a “bad day” or “low blood sugar”. But attributing these things to my surroundings or physical well being only takes me so far. I fix the low blood sugar, I treat myself to a fun thing but that itching annoyance still lurks in the background. 

This is how I have been feeling lately. It is hard for me to define why, but at a certain point it doesn’t matter. I am feeling it. Not only that, I am feeling it now. My heart has little or no care for the intellectual debate of “why”.

Like many things in my life, when I feel utterly lost or helpless, I turn to prayer. So, I started praying. 

My prayers used to start off with “Dear, heavenly father” or “God almighty” or “Elohim, Adonai, YHWH”. But of late, I have been starting my prayers with “Abba”. 

“Abba,” I prayed “What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so off?”

Like most of my prayers, there is a comfortable silence as God waits for me to continue. He knows these questions are the tip of the iceberg. Underneath that tip, my true thoughts and feelings lie.

I continued on, praying through the most recent things that have happened in my life. It isn’t pretty or well constructed. It is raw, but it is good. As much as I love modern therapy and the good it can do you, an hour sitting and praying gives me twice as much mental clarity and three times more peace when I pour my heart out to God. It is something about how the Holy Spirit works. Time with God really does restore your soul.

Within this bout of praying, it came to my attention that I was feeling so annoyed because I was in fact annoyed with myself. Actually, I was more than annoyed. I was angry. I was angry at my own heart and the ways in which I seemed to continually turn to anything but God to restore my soul. I have turned to entertainment, fantasy, and dreams. Again, I found myself dreaming about a life that I could never live. I was angry that I was doing it again.

These may seem like a small thing, but let me confess to you that fantasies can take up all your time and energy. The sad part is that they leave you feeling empty for these fantasies will never deliver their promises of fulfillment. Only one person can do that, and that is God. 

Even writing this, I feel silly and stupid. But, I also feel convicted to share. Through my prayers, God revealed to me that I was angry at myself and in turn I had started to be angry at God. 

Life as a Christian is quite humbling. It is a continual process of sanctification, repeating the gospel, grace and forgiveness, over and over again. It made me wonder why God puts up with me. If I can get annoyed at myself, how can God stand to have me call him Abba?

But this question is skewed. It relies on my previous experience with human love and relationships. God shows himself differently. In 1 John 4, it states “In this, the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.” His son is the full display of his love, which is then continued through the revelation of the Holy Spirit. Love is not only given, it is poured out. Love is not just something God extends, he can’t help himself. His entire being is love (1 John 4:16).

As I worked through the annoyance and anger toward my imperfection, toward my sin patterns and the general evil that my hearts still seemed to conjure up, I was reminded that God loves me. His love is not contingent upon my actions or achievements. He cares for my efforts of sanctification but ultimately his love is not gained by them. Love is already given. It has already been received. And with this love comes forgiveness.

As I sat and inwardly processed all these notions, the truths but also my feelings, I realized that I needed to extend grace and forgiveness to myself. My anger revealed areas I needed to grow. But my anger also revealed the reliance I had on my own abilities. I was angry because I thought I could do better. The reality is, I can only do better through the help of the Holy Spirit. 

I sometimes like to think of prayer as a two-way street. Prayers go up, answers come down. But in reality, prayer with God is more looking into a clear lake. At first you see your reflection, then you see through the water to what is underneath. Because of the layers within the human heart, I need this reflecting pool to see myself. But more importantly, I start to see God more clearly. 

The anger dissipates to compassion. I start to repeat the phrase, “God loves me, so”. The phrase echoes a song I sang when I was younger. But the simplicity of the truth is often very profound and impactful. This is the joy of following Christ and walking in Jesus’ way. It is often more simple that I realize. 

As I bring my musings to a close, let me leave you with this thought. Your prayers reveal your heart, your heart reveals your nature, and at the same time the nature of God becomes more apparent the longer you spend in prayer. 

God loves me. God loves you. The simple truth will set you free and can become the lighthouse to your heart.